I'm having trouble writing tonight.

I usually do.  Its hard for me to find a single thread of thought that follows a nice and neat progression.  Today its just a little more noticable.

I'm sad. 

And this very plain fact has been smacking me in the face all day, no matter how hard I try to avoid it.  I work, check my e-mail, read the news, read a couple blogs, watch a documentary, plan a trip to the MET (but don't go).  And I do it all with a sort of quiet fugue, like I'm not really here.  Which I'm not.  I'm crawled up into some corner of my mind trying not to be here.

I miss The Girl.

That's what it really comes down to.  I miss her.  And as much as I would like to see her I cannot, and as much as I would like things to work out, they won't. 

I don't even really understand too much of what happened.  The particulars elude me.  The fine details of why I am an inadequete partner seem so.. lofty, or perhaps just superficial.  Maybe she was expecting too much.  Maybe I'm expecting too much.

Things I do know:
1. The priorities in my life are: God, School, Work, Relationships with others.  In that order.  I don't really expect anybody to miss a class or work or sacrafice their sleep to see me - asking me to do the same is unreasonable at best.  And if once a week is all my time and money can afford, that's the best I can do. 
2. You will never understand me.  Don't even try.  Its an insult to even try.  You wouldn't try to put the ocean in a dixie cup.  Don't assume that you will understand me in a couple weeks, months, or years.  I've known me for 22 years, and frankly I'm still not sure who I am. 
3. My ability to comprehend your reality is not directly correlated to my affection for you.
4. Sometimes, forgetting to call just means I forgot to call.  I am also prone to forget birthdays, major holidays, the year, and my telephone number.  Tragically, these are not exagerations.  However, I will remember that when we kissed you were wearing the same jacket you wore the other night, it was one a.m. and the pier was cold as all hell.

Things I do not know:
1. How two people can be so similar, and so different.